


Now or Never

by shadowsamurai



Category: Batman (Movies - Nolan)
Genre: Angst, Gen, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-13
Updated: 2012-06-13
Packaged: 2017-11-07 16:11:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/433024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shadowsamurai/pseuds/shadowsamurai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Once, long ago, Alfred threw something precious away. Is it too late to get it back?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Now or Never

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers for Batman Begins. To me, there is…something in Alfred's voice when he says Lucius' name, after Bruce wakes up from the effects of the hallucinogen. There's almost a cold note, and it made me wonder why Alfred would be like that with Lucius, so here's what my muse came up with.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm just borrowing things for a while and I promise I'll put everything back exactly how I found it when I've finished. Well, almost exactly how I found it. ;)

AP-LF-AP-LF-AP-LF

Lucius lays a hand on the butler's shoulder as he leaves. "Alfred."

But Alfred barely turns and when he speaks, his voice is distant, almost cold. "Lucius."

As he leaves the room, Lucius sighs. He had hoped that by now, Alfred would have at least forgiven him, if not forgotten altogether. But he knows that such hopes are beyond all possibility, in reality. Still, he would like to believe that one day, things between them will no longer be awkward, but it has been like that for so long, Lucius has grown rather used to it. There is always room for change, though; room for second chances.

Lucius is almost out of sight of Wayne Manor before he pulls over, the memories too strong to allow him to continue driving. They are memories which have haunted and taunted him for many years, both amusing and saddening him at the same time. Sometimes he finds it hard to believe that one small incident so very long ago could cause so many problems; sometimes he's surprised it hasn't caused more. Lucius isn't sure how he has coped all these years, but deep down he realises he hasn't. He's got on with his life, done well within the company, apart from recently when he's been relegated to the bowels of Wayne Tower after causing a nuisance of himself…. Lucius allows himself a small smile. Making a nuisance of himself was one way to release some of the frustration he constantly felt.

It should have been the simplest thing in the world, and up to a point, it was. Lucius Fox wasn't a young man when he joined the board of directors at Wayne Enterprises, but he was so full of energy and ideas that Thomas Wayne liked him immediately, and wasted no time in inviting him to the Manor to meet his family. Bruce, of course, hadn't even been born at that point, and to Lucius, the house seemed decidedly empty without children in it. Martha Wayne seemed to know what he was thinking, though, and insisted on showing him the room that would become a nursery one day. And then Alfred Pennyworth walked in. For Lucius, there were no great bells ringing or any sort of instant connection when he saw the man; in fact, it took a great deal of his skill to hide his surprise at seeing a butler in the house, though afterwards, on reflection, it was stupid to be surprised. It was, after all, a manor. Of course there would be servants. But to Lucius, Alfred didn't look like a servant, though he certainly acted the part of the proper English butler. No, to Lucius there was a man who enjoyed a bit of adventure in his life, the occasional risk of life and limb, and he would bet half a year's salary that Alfred had some fairly fascinating stories to share. That was one thing Lucius prided himself on; the ability to listen.

Thomas insisted Lucius stayed for lunch, but when Earl and some of the other board members showed up uninvited, Lucius grabbed the opportunity to escape to the kitchen. He was confident enough amongst the high-fliers and blue-bloods, but deep down he considered himself a worker and was much happier getting his hands dirty, doing jobs behind the scenes. Alfred was in the kitchen preparing lunch, and as the two men got to talking, Lucius saw he had been right. Up to joining the Wayne family, and even to a certain extent after that, Alfred had led a relatively interesting life. But even if he hadn't, his ability to tell stories was well worth discovering.

Lucius' smile grows as he remembers the beginning. That was how it had all started, in the kitchen, simply talking, and then, before he knew it, Lucius had been roped into doing the washing up. That was when he discovered Alfred was much more complicated than he appeared on the surface. He was proper and courteous and very committed to the family he worked for, but he was also very intelligent and resourceful, and he possessed a slightly wicked sense of humour. Lucius knew being friends with the man would never be boring.

It happened, as it always seemed to do, quite by accident. Lucius caught himself staring, quite inappropriately, at Alfred one day while the butler was cleaning some shoes. Lucius spent a lot of time at Wayne Manor, either talking to Alfred or helping Thomas with some of his radical ideas, and, of course, keeping an eye on the new addition to the family: Bruce Wayne. Thomas, Lucius discovered, had a heart bigger than the city, and he didn't mind doing whatever it took to help the people of Gotham out. Lucius also discovered that while Alfred thought his employer was an incredibly decent man, he also thought he was a little crazy. And that was what they had been discussing when Lucius stopped listening and started staring. He suddenly noticed how broad Alfred's back was, how his legs seemed slightly bowed, and that he had a rather cute curl of unruly hair on the nape of his neck.

Alfred had sensed the intense gaze and turned, a question on his lips. But Lucius quickly collected himself and spun a lie about thinking of the project Thomas wanted help with, a cheap form of public transport to help people get around the city easier. Lucius never knew whether Alfred believed him or not, but the butler let the matter go. Unfortunately, Lucius couldn't forget his thoughts, and more and more frequently, they entered his head.

Equally unfortunately, Alfred's behaviour changed, subtly at first, then more openly. No one else seemed to notice; it seemed like he only changed when Lucius was around. He started to hope that maybe, Alfred felt the same way as he did, whatever way that was. He didn't know if it was an infatuation, a phase, or full blown love; all Lucius knew for sure was that his head was filled with thoughts and images of only Alfred, and it was starting to interfere with his work.

Then one day, when young Bruce Wayne was about five and work on the monorail had begun, Lucius' iron control cracked, but that crack was to be his undoing. He and Alfred were out in the driveway, Alfred cleaning the car, Lucius with his head under the bonnet. Both were sweltering in the summer sun, but neither felt comfortable shedding any more clothes that was appropriate for people in their positions. Alfred was going to bring some refreshments, but Lucius caught his wrist, insisting he would do it as he knew the way to the kitchen as well as the butler. Alfred looked down at the hand grasping him and then back up at Lucius. Blood pounded in Lucius' ears, and for the life of him he could not remember who leant forward first. All he could remember was the feel of Alfred's lips under his, the kiss brief, but certainly not one sided. Or at least Lucius didn't think it was. When they separated, there was a split second of openness on Alfred's face, and Lucius saw the potential his life would have with that man by his side. But as quickly as it had appeared, it had gone. Alfred broke away, though not roughly, and disappeared inside, reappearing a short time later with drinks and something to eat. He acted as though nothing had happened, and Lucius was content enough to go along with that.

A few months later, Lucius cornered Alfred and demanded to know what was going on. Alfred's reply was less than encouraging; in fact, Lucius had never felt smaller than when the butler had finished talking to him. He never raised his voice, never used harsh words or swore at Lucius, never insulted him, but there was something in Alfred's tone that made Lucius feel he was seriously in the wrong, that he had in someway abused their friendship. Then Alfred left, and he and Lucius hadn't talked properly since that day.

Lucius' face is wet with tears now, because despite everything, he knows now exactly what he feels for Alfred. He's known for some time, just like he knows his love is, and always will be, unrequited. Maybe he had read the signals wrong, but he's pretty certain he didn't. But Lucius will never know the truth, never know what Alfred was running from or afraid of. More than thirty years they had known each other, but more than twenty of those years had been wasted on silence and curt words. Lucius doesn't know how much longer he can stand it, but he will persevere and endure as long as Bruce needs him. And as long as Gotham needs Batman, Bruce will need Lucius. For him, there is no end to his pain in sight.

AP-LF-AP-LF-AP-LF

Lucius, however, is wrong, about many things, but Alfred simply cannot tell him what those things are. He heard the man sigh as he left Bruce's bedroom, and Alfred knows why he sighed. But Alfred's job, and his loyalty to the Wayne family, has always come first; there simply isn't room in his life for anything else, or anyone, for that matter.

But then he looks at Bruce, who is so ready to give up any pretence of happiness or a normal life simply to do the right thing, and already, Alfred can see how lonely that is making his master. Despite his association with Lucius, the women that would always be eager to hang off his arm, his somewhat tenuous relationship with Rachel, and, of course, his loyal butler, Bruce will always be alone now. Alfred can see this as clearly as day, and suddenly he starts to have doubts. Not over Bruce's ability to change the world; Alfred's doubts are solely centred on himself. He has given his life to the Wayne family, which never bothered him until he met Lucius. Then he was forced to give up something he never enough knew he was looking for. But Alfred is old enough and wise enough now to realise the only person who forced him into anything was himself. In truth, he had been scared. Not of losing his job, or of being rejected by the Waynes; quite simply, he had been scared of being loved, of being the most important person to someone other than the people he worked for.

Alfred's decision isn't all that sudden. He's been thinking about taking the plunge for a while, but he's never found a good time. Looking at Bruce as he struggles to sit up, Alfred realises there will never be a perfect time, but every moment is a good enough time for what he needs to do. And though he's fully aware he can't take long, because the preparations for Bruce's birthday party will be starting soon and he needs to be at the Manor to oversee it all, Alfred tells Bruce he has to go out for a bit. Forgotten something, won't be long. If Bruce knows something's up, which is doubtful, he doesn't show it, and Alfred doesn't wait long enough for him to start asking questions.

Leaving Wayne Manor, Alfred isn't sure where to start looking for Lucius, but he's fairly certain the man can't have got far in the short time he's been gone from the house. And sure enough, ten minutes later, Alfred spots his car and carefully parks behind him. Lucius gets out, confusion etched clearly into his handsome face.

"Is there a problem? Is Mr Wayne…?" Lucius starts to ask.

Alfred silences him with a hand. "Everything's fine," he replies, shutting the car door and walking towards Lucius. "At least, everything's as fine as it'll ever be up there." He frowns. "You've been crying."

"Dust in my eyes."

"And now you're lying."

"Was there something you wanted, Alfred?" Lucius asks, his tone weary. "Only I have to get started on the antidote Mr Wayne wants."

Alfred takes a deep breath; it's now or never. "Actually, there was something." Without hesitating or giving room for second thoughts, he closes the distance between them and kisses him.

"Why?" Lucius asks when they part, his voice shaky. "Why now?"

"Because I was an idiot," Alfred replies, putting his hands on the other man's shoulders. "Because I've been an idiot for the last thirty years. I knew how I felt, but I let myself be scared and so I ran away. And later…well, I was waiting for the right time." He smiled. "There isn't such a thing. But there is such a thing as too late." He narrows his eyes a little, searching Lucius' face for any hint of what he's thinking and feeling. "Is it too late?"

"I don't know," Lucius says, but Alfred catches the note of mischief in his voice.

"It won't be easy."

"Nothing worthwhile ever is."

"So, am I forgiven?" Alfred asks with a smile.

Lucius grunts. "Not likely, but I'm sure we can find ways you can make it up to me." He pulls Alfred in for another kiss, not caring who sees them, not caring that they're by the side of the road, not caring his face is still wet with tears. "Don't you have a party to organise?"

"Don't you have an antidote to make?" Alfred counters, grinning.

"Indeed I do."

"Will I see you later?"

"Count on it."

FIN


End file.
